I was talking to a colleague the other day, and she asked me if I had any books to suggest for a client of hers whose employee has low self-confidence. This manager has a wonderful employee that has immense potential, but has trouble speaking up and sharing his ideas, in meetings or even just in regular interactions.
Instinctively, my mind went to my large overflowing bookshelf. What have I come across that would help? A title popped into my mind right away. “Why not Daring Greatly (by Brené Brown)?” I asked. She liked the idea but wanted other suggestions, just in case the employee had already read it.
So I started pondering. What would help someone with low self-confidence?
Then I thought: I remember being that person. It actually wasn’t that long ago either.
I was lucky. At the time, I was working for a manager who was an amazing leader; one of my favourites to this day. We would have teleconference meetings with our partners, and often, I would wait until we had hung up the phone to look up at him and say “Shouldn’t we have considered [idea]?” or “What if we looked at it this way?”.
At first, he would say “That’s actually a great idea!” but he’d say it in such a surprised tone that it made me laugh. I wanted to say “Well geez! Don’t sound so surprised!” but that was just it – he was surprised because he wasn’t used to hearing me share my ideas. He was discovering that I had the unique gift of looking at gaps in thinking and see what was missing. I didn’t even realize I could do that, so how could he have known?
It wasn’t long before I did it again, however. I’d wait for a meeting or teleconference to be over, and share a thought or idea with him, and frustrated, he’d say: “Why didn’t you say that during the meeting?”
At first, I was surprised at his reaction. Startled even. Did he really think it was a good idea?
Did I really have something of value to contribute?
In that moment, I responded sheepishly that I didn’t dare. I was intimidated by the titles of the people we were talking to. These were people with MDs, PhDs, and so many more letters after their names than I had. They were experts in their fields! Surely, they were a thousand times smarter than I was. Surely, they could figure it out without me.
But my manager, bless his soul, didn’t let me get away with it much longer. Before the next meeting, he looked at me and said “Now I want you to speak up if you have something to say.”
“I can’t!” I’d plead, like a child asking a teacher not to make me.
“You have to. Otherwise, you’re robbing them of your contribution. Your unique perspective might be exactly what they need!”
It wasn’t easy, learning to speak up, but I felt safe. I had my manager, whom I trusted deeply, supporting me.
Whenever I had an idea during a meeting, I would look up at him, searching for his approval, and he would nod at me in encouragement. So, I dared. Sometimes the ideas were good, sometimes they were bad. But he encouraged me to keep speaking up anyway.
Soon, the surprised “Huh, that’s a great idea!” comment came from our partners, and they came to see the value of my contributions too. They began trusting me, and I gained influence with them.
Within 6 months, I was leading those meetings myself, and in another 3 months I was confidently leading a huge component of the project, managing to keep three separate teams, each with their own interests, collaborating together.
Truthfully, it wasn’t just because I started speaking up that my confidence and competencies grew at such a rapid rate. My manager coached and encouraged me at every weekly meeting that we had together. With every conversation, he showed me how much potential he saw in me.
He seemed so sincere, I eventually started to believe him!
The truth is, my confidence was there all along; I just had to step into it!
So, with that memory, I thought back to our friend.
What is low self-confidence? Where does it come from, really? Not in a personal history, parental influence sort of way, but what are its basic components?
Brené Brown’s work would say that it’s likely to be shame, vulnerability and fear of not being good enough. Those are huge, and who hasn’t felt those things, honestly?
So if that’s at the root, then what’s at the other end of it? What’s on the flip side of shame, vulnerability and the fear of not being enough?
Courage.
Brené talks a lot about the concept of Courage over Comfort and how you can’t get to courage without “rumbling” with vulnerability and emotional discomfort. And believe me, choosing courage over comfort is HARD. Even for something as seemingly small as speaking up in a meeting. But if we’re going to grow, it’s something we need to start (and never stop) cultivating, not just in our careers, but in our relationships and in every other aspect of our lives.
In our organization, we’ve been working with Dr. Mary Crossan’s concept of Character-based Leadership (from the Ivey School of Business at Western University), and one of its 11 dimensions of character, is Courage.
But courage isn’t just for leaders. It’s not even for people aspiring to become leaders. It’s for EVERYONE.
You know, I find it interesting that as soon as you utter the word “leadership”, so many people immediately tune out because they don’t see themselves as leaders. It’s not part of their title or their job, and they don’t have an immediate career aspiration to become a leader. This frustrates me so much… I might have to tackle this one in another blog post… but for now, just riddle me this:
If you don’t see yourself as a leader, then what is parenting?
Parenting is leadership. Leadership is parenting… to a certain degree.
But, I digress. My intuition tells me I will have more on this soon. 🙂
Back to our friend with the low self-esteem at work. I wish I could sit with him (or her) and have a conversation with them. I’m sure if I dug deeper into their story, I’d end up with some form of vulnerability, fear and/or shame. I’d suggest they read Daring Greatly, or any of Brene Brown’s books, really. She’s an amazing researcher with a delightful talent in story telling (two of my favourite things).
But I would also like to sit with the manager, and ask them how they plan to support the growth of their employee.
For me, if Daring Greatly would have been handed to me, on its own, when I was struggling with my own self-worth and vulnerability, it might have helped me understand where my hesitance was coming from, but I don’t think it would have helped me be brave in those meetings.
It was the support, care and encouragement of my manager, my leader, that made all the difference.
I think this is an opportunity for growth, not just for that employee, but for the manager too.
What do you think?