Present, Past, and Future

The last 3 weeks have been challenging for me. It started with 2 back-to-back deaths in my family, then a stomach flu followed closely by a cold. All that happened within 7 days. Talk about your abrupt skydive in energy levels.

Prior to leaving for the funerals, I thought I’d be fine; I thought my energy was solid enough to withstand the difficulties I knew I would be faced with. I was wrong. I have been struggling to get back up there ever since; and the holidays made it worse. 

It used to be that the holidays were an opportunity for me to take a break from the every day grind, to allow me some personal time to re-group, re-assess and re-energize. This year, for a reason I don’t understand and probably never will, it has done the opposite. And I knew it would happen… I could feel it happening and felt powerless to stop it. All I have been able to do is just ride the wave of it until the holidays were over, trying desperately not to ruin it for everyone else I encountered during these last 2 weeks.

I have been awaiting my return to work with eager anticipation for the last 2 weeks. A feeling I NEVER thought I would have. My strongest desire has been to run as far away as possible and lock myself away from everyone I know, to try desperately to reconnect.

Today, for the first time, I was given most of the day to do that, and what did I do? I spent most of it reading blogs, putting in a half-assed effort to start working on my goals for 2016 (an in-depth resolution plan), and watching a movie.

As I sit here now, at my computer, I breathe a deep sigh, and listen to the little voice that says to me

“You can’t push people away and run away far enough to get away from yourself. Wherever you go, you will always take yourself with you.”

*sigh* Shit.

I have no one to blame but myself.

I haven’t done the work.

“What work is that?” you ask? The inner work. The energy level work.

With the years of experience that I have in meditation, combined with the couple of years of studying and applying the Law of Attraction through teachers like Abraham and the various speakers from The Secret, my immediate reaction is

I should know better.

And this is the point where I want to cry.

Not because I’m sad or depressed, but it’s what I tend to do when I’ve been struggling against something for a while, and I finally acknowledge it enough to give up… not give up on what I want (which is simply to feel better; to get back to the good feeling place that I was 3 weeks ago), but to give up the struggle. So I have a good cry (though I am happy to note that whenever this happens, I tend to cry for shorter and shorter times – and I tend to “give up” sooner and sooner after beginning the struggle).

I am faced with so many stress factors right now;

but I know that with this thought, I am tiptoeing on a fine line. I could follow that line of thought, and list all the reasons that I have to be stressed to my breaking point, knowing that at the end, I will feel much much worse. Or, I can turn things around, and make a conscious choice, right here and now, to look for one positive thing – ONE THING – that is going right, from which to hang from, and use as a foothold to climb back up the energetic ladder. I can follow my own advice and look for the slightest thought that will bring me relief.

So here I go:

• I am surrounded by family and friends who love and support me.
• I live in a warm and safe home
  • i.e. I’m not living on the street or out of my car
• I have a good, stable job that pays me a good salary and decent benefits.
  • Oh sure, I can complain about how it’s not what I’d like it to be, but I can’t deny at least this much
• I may not be anywhere near where I’d like to be financially (little voice says: be careful here!), but I’m still able to pay my rent, my car payment, and put food in my child’s mouth.
• My daughter is healthy.
  • i.e. I’m not spending all my time at the Children’s hospital because of some major disease or disability
• And she is happy.
  • i.e. I have this amazing relationship with her father – all things considered – and I’m not spending all my money on lawyers, constantly in legal battles with my ex

… *deep breath* Ok it’s working. I’m feeling better; a little lighter. Let’s keep going.

What else can I think of?

I’ve made some real progress in the last year.

Looking Back

Ok so maybe this is turning into a New Year’s post after all.

2015 was a … weird year, for me.

It started with a really great high point when after a year of work, I was able to sell my house within 24 hours of it being on the market. And with my home being over a century old (and not one of those really good old homes), in a small town 45 minutes out of the city, that was quite a feat. Even my realtor couldn’t believe it.

However, I wasn’t able to build on that positive momentum and the rest of the year was kind of a roller coaster ride of challenges and long periods of waiting.

I hate waiting.

I hate sitting there, waiting for something to happen, constantly frustrated by each of my attempts to get things moving again. I honestly think waiting is the bane of my existence. I am an incredibly impatient person. As long as SOMETHING is moving, even only slightly progressing forward, I’m fine. But when things are at a complete standstill, I go nuts.

I know that’s one of my biggest challenges in life.

I know that what I need to do is learn to see these periods as an opportunity to focus on myself; to take advantage of the time I’m given to focus on reconnecting. So why do I constantly squander that time? Because I’m stubborn, that’s why.

Ugh. I hate admitting these things. (Hmm, that’s 2 things I hate in very few paragraphs)

But facing the truth, is still 10 times better than ignoring it and pretending there isn’t a problem – scratch that – a challenge, for me to work on.

I guess that’s why I’ve always been drawn to psychology. My entire life has been one of self-reflection, self-assessment, and being self-aware enough to admit areas that need work, and to actually do something about it with the goal of being a better person. If there’s one thing about me, it’s that Status Quo has never been part of my personal vocabulary. I’m always on a personal journey of growth.

I choose to believe that’s a good thing. 

(ding! I feel a sense of pride at this thought; even a slight smile emerging underneath my frown)

So now let’s look forward.

Ok so I’m in a shitty spot right now. This only means that I have nowhere to go from here but up.

What do I want for the next year?

Here’s my half-assed attempt from earlier today. Maybe this is the perfect time to expand on it.

1. Whole Body Health:
   • Mental / Spiritual: Get back into a regular meditation habit
     • I will start by meditating a minimum 3 to 5 times a week. And I will track this to hold myself accountable.
   • Exercise: I’d like to say I will exercise or simply move every day, but given my track record, that’s too high a goal.
     • I will aim to exercise a minimum of twice a week. I will also track that to hold myself accountable.
   • Nutrition: I have had digestion issues for a long time and that stomach flu was a huge reminder of that. Also, I’ve gotten into the nasty habit of eating take out meals way too many times per week (it used to be a treat!).
     • I will aim to have more home cooked meals on weeknights.
     • I will reduce my consumption of processed foods.
     • I will also try one vegetarian / vegan recipe per month (minimum).
2. Expand my knowledge base:
   • School: My grad studies officially begin in a couple of days. I’ve already started doing some of the initial work.
     • I will continue on that track, and see this semester through.
     • I will then re-assess (see point 1 under meditation) and see if it’s still the right decision for me to continue to pursue.
   • Reading positively-focused blogs: Through Live Your Legend, I’ve discovered many really cool blogs like Zen Habits, Positively Human, Riskology, and Rock Your Purpose Live (or RYPL).
     • I will take time, every day, to read at least ONE blog post, to keep me inspired, motivated and focused on my goals.
   • Abraham: For me, the best (and easiest) way to start my day on a positive footing, or to get back to it when I’m feeling off, is to listen to audios of the teachings of Abraham. What they have to say makes sense to me and my logical mind, and they have an unapologetic, in-your-face way of conveying messages that I respect and appreciate. They also have a good sense of humour which lightens things up at the most appropriate times.
     • So I will return to my habit of listening to audios every day, and as often as possible.
   • Books
     • I will read 5 positive and/or success-focused books this year.
       • For me this isn’t a lot. But as you can see from the goals I’m setting this year, I’m starting small, so I can prove to myself that I can do it.

I have other goals for this year; ones I consider as secondary to these ones, but I find I’ve already got my work cut out for me with these two. And for some reason, I feel like the other goals I have will be easier to achieve. I guess we’ll just have to see about that.

One point I’d like to make though, is that I’m taking a different approach this year.

Like so many, I used to make resolutions at the beginning of each year. And like many, they would go right out the window the very next day.

Why is that?

Because I didn’t follow through with a PLAN to put them into action.

What I’ve found is a free set of tools from Live Your Legend – The Goal Setting & Action Workbook, and the Weekly Planning Workbook. And I’ve decided to give them a try and use them to help me actually make some real changes.

If you’re ready to make some changes of your own, I encourage you to go take a look at these workbooks, and take up the challenge with me!

And if you decide to do it, let me know! Maybe we can encourage each other and keep each other accountable throughout the year!

Finally, I want to take a moment to thank you – yes, YOU.

I want to thank you for being my first readers; my first subscribers. You may not realize it, but you encourage me to keep writing. You inspire me. The fact that you have taken the small step of subscribing to my blog means the world to me. And knowing you are out there keeps me accountable. Your support and confidence in me mean more to me than I will ever be able to put into words.

So from the core of my being, Thank you.

I wish you all, the very best that 2016 has to offer – love, joy, health, prosperity and success. Happiness in all its forms.

May it be the best year yet.

– Mel