I started to write a very different piece on this topic. But then, I decided to have a conversation with my Inner Voice about it. Here’s what came out.
I feel like I should be doing more.
All this time at home. All this time alone. This is it. This is what I was made for. I’m an introvert goddamnit. This is the perfect time to get down and do my work. This is the perfect time to be creative, to get shit done, to write, to post, to publish, to paint, to do…
Isn’t it?
Is it?
Yes! I’m a self-professed high performer. That’s what I do. There’s a crisis? That’s when I activate and get shit done. That’s what I do.
I laugh in the face of crisis and stress, and I say “hold my beer”. That’s me. It’s always been me. It’s the reason why I used to procrastinate in school, waiting until the night before something was due to cram my research and write the shit out of a paper. I do my best work under pressure.
So why can’t I bring myself to do anything right now? Why don’t I have a shit ton of posts written and published? Why haven’t I finished writing my book? Why haven’t I gotten anything done?
Who said you had to do anything?
I do! The world does! Everyone says this is the perfect time to do a thing. That thing you’ve been putting off. That thing you always say you never have time to do. Well NOW you have time.
So why can’t I do it?
Do you always listen to what everyone else says you’re supposed to do?
No… yes. I don’t know. What do you think?
I think you’re creating stress from the inside out, when stress from the outside isn’t being created for you. I think you’ve been living a life where you’re so used to being bombarded with stressful things that you’ve learned to think that it was normal.
I think that now, in the absence of things stressing you out, you’ve created your own reasons to be stressed. You’ve been seeking reasons to be anxious.
Great. So now, not only am I not doing the things that call to me, the things I know I’m passionate about, the things I love, the things I have such strong desire to create, now I’ve just realized I’ve just been making excuses this whole time.
Why do you do that?
Do what?
Why do you punish yourself for following what you need most?
What do you mean?
What have you been doing, instead of doing all those things you say you want to do?
I’ve been a couch potato. A fat, lazy potato.
Now now. No judgments. Just be honest.
Fine. I’ve been resting. I’ve been having such long sleep nights that I’m starting to think something’s wrong with me. I used to be fine on 7-8 hours of sleep per night, but lately I’ve been getting 9-10 hours per night. On average. Sometimes more.
Are you forcing yourself to stay in bed and sleep all those hours?
No. That’s stupid.
Then do you think maybe you’ve been giving yourself a gift by allowing your body to rest as much as it needs to?
No, who the heck sleeps that much? Plus, most mornings, I still wake up exhausted even though I slept that much. I still slog through my workdays, forcing myself to concentrate and get at least some work done.
So what does that tell you?
That I need more rest? That my body needs something more? Exercise maybe? Better nutrition maybe? More water? I don’t know.
And are those things bad for you?
No. I guess not. But how am I supposed to do all those things? I can’t get out of the house. Social distancing and all.
You can walk outside. You can use your treadmill that was gathering up dust in the basement. You can even pace around the house as you take a conference call for work. You can dig out your yoga mat and do home exercises. You used to like doing that. You hate going to the gym, remember? As for your nutrition, you can buy more fruits and vegetables when you do your groceries during your one outing per week. You can drink more water instead of coffee or soda or whatever else. You can even put extra things in your water like lemon and ginger. You are not as helpless as you think you are. These are not things you’ve never done before.
You just need to remember.
Remember what?
Remember who you are. Remember your mindfulness practice. Remember the habits you were working on. Remember to take teeny tiny steps as you (re)build those habits, and just focus on being consistent in doing them every day. Remember to celebrate those teeny tiny steps. Remember to go easy on yourself and be patient with yourself.
Remember to focus on Joy. Remember to look for good moments in your day and celebrate them. Remember that there are no insignificant joyful moments.
Remember to be kind to yourself. You are kind to others as you connect with them and hear their frustrations, aren’t you? You just need to remember to soften your words when you speak to yourself.
But there’s so much I should be doing, even just around the house…
And it will get done. Eventually. You won’t always want to sit around and do nothing. One day, you will want to get up and move around. One day, you will want to vacuum the floors, do some laundry, clean the bathroom. One day, your desire to go outside and go for a run will be so strong that you won’t be able to deny yourself of it.
I suppose you’re right. I have had moments where I felt like taking a walk so I did…
Exactly. For now, trust your guidance. Trust your body. All you have to do is listen.
Right now, you have been given a gift.
Every external pressure has been removed, except the requirement for you to work. And even that is considerably less than usual because you have the gift of working from home. Nothing else is expected of you. You don’t have to perform for anyone. You don’t have to follow anyone else’s schedules and rules. You don’t have to go anywhere or do anything for anyone other than caring for yourself and your child.
You are still alive. Your daughter is still alive. Your cats are still alive. Everyone is well. That’s a win my friend.
But I even get tired of resting. That’s what restlessness is isn’t it?
The only way for you to deal with the restlessness is to sit through it. Sit in the discomfort of it. And give yourself permission to feel it.
It’s ok. You’re ok. Your loved ones are ok. And we are here with you.
All you have to do is breathe and listen, and give yourself permission to follow your guidance.
You’ll find that when you get into the habit of doing that, you will start to feel much better more of the time. And things around you will start to get better too.
Just trust your guidance.