I haven’t written for a while. And it’s not for lack of trying. First, I would sit at my computer, and no ideas would come. Then, I would sit at my computer and before I opened my writing app, I’d find myself checking my e-mail or browsing Facebook or YouTube. As more time went by, I would just walk by my computer and not even sit down at it unless I had a really good reason to, like paying bills, or watching Netflix (because we all know how productive THAT can be). Still, whenever a quiet moment popped up, an opportunity to write, a fantastic excuse came to me: I have to clean the kitchen, I have to mow the lawn, I have to go do groceries, run errands, spend time with family, read this great article.

Folks, I have become a MASTER of procrastination. I mean, I used to be good, like really good, at procrastinating. Even as far back as when I was in high school and university, I’d wait until the last night before an assignment was due, pull an all-nighter, and hand in the best work of my life.

But now, this procrastination thing has gotten out of hand.

I’ve been struggling with writer’s block for over a year.

I couldn’t figure it out. It plagued me so badly that I dubbed last year a craptastic year. Because even though there were amazing things happening to me, I couldn’t get the misery out of my head because I wasn’t writing. I wasn’t creating. That part of me that makes me feel the most alive, was silent, reduced to a whisper, a shadow of its true self.

And I blamed so many things.

I blamed my job, I blamed my partner, I blamed my family, I blamed my parental and household responsibilities. “I just have too much to do, too much on my plate!”

But I was wrong.

It was all excuses. And it all came from one place: Fear.

Fear is so powerful but it doesn’t like to be named. It prefers much more to disguise itself as other things: responsibility, procrastination, limiting beliefs (like needing to be a serious, rational, adult human being). One of Fear’s favourite tricks is to make you feel so important that you can’t delegate anything to anyone else (Ever hear “if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself”? Yeah, that’s it right there).

The honest truth is that I had nothing and no one to blame but my Fear (not myself, because that would be creating Shame, and that’s a whole other can of worms).

“But Mel,” you might say, “what Fear was keeping you from writing all this time?”

Well, here goes… Fear of being seen.

“Huh? Uh, Mel,” you continue, “you’ve been writing on this blog for how long now?” I know, right?

Fear is irrational like that. Maybe it’s because I didn’t truly believe that anyone was ever reading what I was writing. Maybe it was Fear making me believe that to begin with.

But when I started hearing from more of you, you, right now, reading this, I realized I COULD make a positive impact. I really could help people. And I loved having those side conversations, when someone would e-mail me about something I’d written. But here’s what happens:

When you start seeing success, in whatever way that you define it, deep in the core of your being, be it big or small success, Fear rears its ugly head, grows stronger, and works even harder to diminish you back down to the small person you thought you were before.

You are much easier to control, when you let Fear drive you.

Think of it this way: Fear likes you much more when you’re a hobbit. Safe and cozy in your little hobbit hole, never doing anything dangerous or unexpected, or having any adventures.

But we know how much more exciting life can get when we venture out of the hobbit hole, don’t we? Think about it. Do you like it better when you stay at home, cozy and comfy, and not seeing anybody or doing anything different? Maybe for a little while, especially if you’re an introvert. But after a while, even we introverts need to come out of our caves and discover new things, new experiences, and new people.

So can we ever make Fear go away?

Sadly, no.

I’ve had conversations with people on taming their Fear Dragons, quieting their Inner Critic, shutting up the Fear Gremlins or giving their Big Snooze the middle finger. Here’s the thing though: getting angry at Fear is not going to help. Sure, anger makes you feel powerful, for a minute. But soon enough, Fear will have you back on your knees.

When was the last time you did something exciting? Was fear present? Of course it was! The bigger the rush, the more fear was present. But the rush comes from feeling the fear and doing the thing anyway.

Fear needs to be present in order to do anything exciting, wonderful, or even joyful.

What? Fear needs to be present in order to feel joy? Well, not always. But if you think of the last time you felt true joy, or any moment of great positive emotion, can you think back on it and see if Fear was there?

• When I held my baby girl for the first time, I felt a huge burst of love, and joy… and also paralyzing panic.
• When I fell in love… every time I fall in love, I feel that deep, full body and soul love, and also immense fear.
• When I signed my first coaching client, I felt such pride as I had never felt before, and a huge “holy shit” fear along with it.

I can’t think of any one time when I experienced massive personal growth, and not felt fear in some way.

How to deal with Fear

A friend of mine reminded me of something a few months ago, and every time I think of Fear, I remember what she said. She said, “are you making this decision out of Fear, or out of Love?”

I also think of how Elizabeth Gilbert talks about Fear in her book Big Magic. She’s made peace with Fear. She doesn’t try to fight fear anymore. She acknowledges it when she feels it, but chooses to move forward anyway. When I first read it, I must admit, a part of me said “yeah, ok Liz, you perfectly spiritual ideal that I’ll never reach. You can do that, but I can’t.” But I get it now.

I’ve been spending time diving deeper into my emotions in these last couple of years. I’ve spent time in sadness and grief and realized that the best way to deal with those are not to shove them down, bury them deep, put on a brave face and keep going. The best way to deal with sadness and grief is to give yourself permission, and space, to feel them fully, let them flow however they need to flow, for however long they need to do it. Then, relief finally comes.

With Fear, as I begin to truly pay attention to it, I can’t say I’m as comfortable with it as I now am with Sadness and Grief, but here’s what I’m learning:

The best way to deal with Fear, is to throw Love at it.

Yup, that’s right. If you see Fear as an immense, horrible, terrifying Dragon, try instead to picture the small, scared, even cute, baby dragon that lies inside. If you see Fear as an angry, ugly monster of a person, try to see the small, cowering child that lies inside.

Fear is your child-self, trying desperately to keep itself (you) safe.

So instead of battling with your Fear, try this instead: take a deep breath, look at it head on, acknowledge it for what it is, and lovingly say to it:

“It’s ok. Everything is going to be ok. We’re going to be fine. I’m going to go do this thing now, and you’ll see that nothing dangerous is going to happen.”

Then take another deep breath, feel the fear, feel how its hold on you is lessened, and take the action that you were afraid to take, because now, you are taking it from a place of Love.

That’s what I’m practicing anyway. And I guess this time, it worked, because you’re reading this now, which means I wrote, and I published, even though Fear was present within me.

Now you try it.

I know it’s not easy, so start with something small. Then, once you’ve taken action out of Love rather than Fear, write to me and tell me about it.