Ever since I got separated, nearly 5 years ago, I’ve had many friends, family members and colleagues ask me about my experience and my advice on the best way to proceed during such a difficult time, as they too began their journey into their own separation.
Breaking up is already difficult enough on both parties emotionally, but when you’re married, have kids and a mortgage, things easily get much more complicated, really fast. I was very fortunate that my own breakup was largely amicable, and I am grateful every day for the positive relationship I now have with my ex because it means my daughter is able to have the best of a not-so-ideal situation.
But it wasn’t always easy. We argued plenty, and I worked really hard to establish and maintain that amicable relationship, because I knew that it would help us in the long run, and that my daughter would be better off for it.
Each situation is different, and not everyone is as lucky as I was, but I’m hoping that the following tips can still help guide you if you’re newly separated.
1. Seek counsel
Legal counsel
Most people dread involving lawyers in their separation/divorce. They’re expensive, and they have a reputation for dragging things on just to make extra money off you. I used to believe that too, but I realized that just like every other profession out there, not all lawyers are created equal. Some of them truly want to help people.
Get a free consultation: When my partner left, I stayed in the house with my daughter. We knew we would have to sell it so naturally, the first thing that came out of his mouth was “I want half the profits of the house”. My situation was particular (as every situation is) and there was a chance I wouldn’t have to pay up but I didn’t know for sure. I was worried. Through a family member, I ended up getting in touch with a wonderful lawyer who kindly spent over 30 minutes with me on the phone, answering my questions, without ever asking for a penny.
I knew it was too early to involve lawyers into our mess, but getting legal advice was such a relief as I began navigating my separation.
At some point, you may have to get the services of a lawyer, and yes, they do charge for literally everything. So set your expectations. Know that these charges will happen and are normal, so arguing with your lawyer about the amount it costs for an e-mail, a photocopy or each individual phone call, will not be helpful. You need to be able to trust your lawyer, so the most important thing is to develop a good rapport with him or her. Then, if looking at each line item on your invoice stresses you, don’t look at the bill, just pay it.
But again, it’s not necessary to bring them in and begin paying them right away, especially if you’re still on relative speaking terms with your ex.
Mediators are a great option too.
Because my breakup was mostly amicable, we sought the help of a mediator to help us hash out the terms of our separation agreement, so that when the time came to get a lawyer to draft it out, it was much quicker and much cheaper. Some people like to skip the mediator and do it on their own, and you can certainly do that, but I found the mediator really helpful at keeping us on track and not get caught up in the nit pickiness that we inevitably would fall into.
Speaking of separation agreements…
In his own homework (more on that below), my ex had obtained a copy of a friend’s separation agreement that we used as a template to draft our own. Let me tell you, that thing was DETAILED. I hated the process of deciding how we were going to handle my daughter’s birthday, and how we were going to separate the Easter long weekend. And don’t even ask me about how he wanted Christmas to happen. What a nightmare… or so I thought.
It turned out to be the best possible thing we could have done.
Because we had decided on every possible little issue that might come up in the future, we now have almost nothing to argue about. If anything comes up that we can’t agree on, we just go to the separation agreement and voila! Already decided. Everything is in there from how we do our taxes, and how and when we deal with calculating new child support amounts every year, to rules about moving, who pays for what extra-curricular activity and to what maximum amount we each agree to pay. There’s even something in there about which religion we agree to raise her in.
Seriously guys, if you do nothing else, make sure you end up with a SUPER detailed separation agreement. It might be painful to put together (which is why the mediator really helped), but let me tell you, it is the BEST use of your time and money.
Psychological counsel
This may seem too little, too late, but I always encourage anyone going through a separation to seek the help of some form of therapist. Negotiating with your ex is really hard, and making legal decisions when you’re emotional is very dangerous. At this early point in the separation journey, both of you are likely to be very raw and easily triggered.
A Psychologist or Counsellor can help you navigate your thoughts and emotions so that you can feel more confident as you navigate this new stage of your relationship. Remember, if you have kids with this person, you will need to remain in contact with your ex until your children are adults. So it’s best to do everything you can to support yourself with the right people.
Also, the long-term benefit of seeing a therapist is that they can help you make peace with where you are, and when you are ready, help you make a different, more conscious and deliberate decision about who you choose to be with next.
2. Do your homework
Whether your separation is relatively amicable, or whether it’s particularly nasty, you need to make sure you are fully informed about your rights as you move through this period.
Write down a list of questions or uncertainties that you have. Run a Google search about separations or divorce in your area and read up as much as possible. Ask people you know who have already gone through a separation about their experience.
There may be additional resources out there that you can rely on to help you. Maybe you can qualify for financial support for legal aid. Maybe there are local services in your area that support people in your particular situation.
You won’t know, if you don’t ask.
And the worst thing you can do is be uninformed.
Also, chances are, your ex will be doing the same thing, but don’t take their word for it when they tell you about some of the information they’ve found. They are out to protect themselves against you now. You should be doing the same.
There’s a reason they call it a battle.
Except it’s not about throwing ammo at each other. It’s about being strategic and being prepared, armed with as much information as you can get, so that if and when they do throw something at you, you won’t feel derailed or unbalanced by it. Instead, you can remain calm and confident about your response.
3. Secure a strong social support system
This may also be a time of great cleansing in your social circle, which may add additional pain to your already difficult experience. You may realize that people you thought were your friends suddenly aren’t there for you anymore when you need them most. If your situation includes having had your partner cheat on you, you may begin finding out from others in your social circle that they knew all along and never said anything to you about it. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that those are not people you want to continue having in your life as you move forward. Or maybe all your friends were “couple” friends that you had with your partner, and now that you’re not with your partner anymore, those friendships don’t seem to fit anymore.
If the cleansing feels more like a purge, you may want to take some time to think about who might be just outside of your inner circle of friends. Maybe there’s an acquaintance of some kind that you haven’t really gotten to know all that well but you have a generally good rapport with. Reach out to them, and start seeking new friendships. Fortunately, or unfortunately, separations and divorces are much more common now than they used to be, so maybe consider who you know that may have already gone through what you are going through now.
The point is, make sure you have a support system as you move through this difficult period.
Seeing a therapist will be good for you, but you can’t call them every time you get an upsetting text from your ex. You need to have people around you that you can share your story with, who can validate what you’re going through, and who can help you move through each situation.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT spend too much time venting. Sharing your frustrations is good once in a while. And again, it’s good to have a friend who can validate your emotions, but you don’t want a friend who will feed that frustration even more and add to the already negative momentum that you have going on.
Separating is difficult enough, and you may already feel unsteady most of the time. Make sure you surround yourself with people who can help you feel steady and confident. Someone who can bring you back to rational thought and help you focus on solutions when you get triggered and go through an emotional period.
For example, I was recently spending time with a friend who’s going through a divorce, and she happened to be receiving a series of texts from her ex who was clearly upset and looking for a fight. Having been with him for over 10 years, it was normal for her to fall into her old reactive pattern and get sucked into the argument. But instead of feeding into her thoughts about what a terrible person he’s become, I helped her focus on just the facts and figuring out what she needed to do next to address this new issue. Instead of jumping onto her bandwagon of “he’s such a jerk!” and “has he always been such an idiot?”, which is not useful at all, I focused on helping her find a solution.
By the time I left her, she was feeling much better about knowing where she needed to go from here, and what her next steps needed to be.
Even if your separation has been going on for months (sometimes even years), new issues may still come up. Find at least one friend who can help support you in a constructive way.
4. Keep your focus on your end goal (moving on in a peaceful way)
As I said earlier, it’s a very emotional time, and it’s easy to get sucked into an argument over the stupidest of things. If the discussion revolves around money, it tends to get even worse.
Especially during a separation or divorce, money makes people crazy.
It’s not just the child support and the alimony. There’s the house, and the things inside the house. And then you may have other properties, vehicles and other things that can turn into a financial nightmare.
As early in the process as you can, when you find a moment of calm, think about what exactly you want when you get to the other end of this difficult period.
What do you WANT out of all this?
If you’re like me, I’m guessing that the emotional roller coaster is exhausting, so all you want is to go back to living a peaceful life. You want things to end up fair and equitable. You don’t truly want to destroy your partner (no matter how angry he or she makes you sometimes). You just want to be able to move on with your life, and you want your kids to be safe and happy.
Take some time to think about these things, maybe write these general goals down on a sticky note and post them on a prominent wall somewhere in your home. And when you find yourself in yet another argument about something ridiculous, or even something big and important, use this as your anchor, your lighthouse in the fog of frustration. Ask yourself if the topic of this discussion will lead you closer towards your goal.
Is this something that’s really important to you?
Then listen for, and trust the answer that your gut/intuition will tell you.
If the answer is yes, do whatever you can to remain strong and confident (but not petty and emotional) as you navigate that discussion. Your ex may be pushing your buttons so use the steps and suggestions above to support yourself through it.
If the answer is no, then take a deep breath, and let it go. If this is not something that will lead you to that sweet relief that you will feel when you begin moving on, and feeling safe and secure, then deflate the conversation. Maybe that means you stop replying to texts for an hour or two while you allow yourself time to calm down. Maybe that means you tell your ex that you need time to think about this some more before you come up with an answer.
You’ll know the difference between a yes and a no. A yes feels like a roaring, deep inside your belly. It feels like a strong sense of conviction. If you’re a mom, it feels like turning into Mama Bear, protecting her cub. A no feels flat or airy. It feels tired or sad. It feels deflated and petty.
For example, if you’re arguing about who’s going to take the car, and it’s a crappy old thing that, if you allow yourself time to think about it, will likely cost you more in the long run, and now that you think about it, you can probably find money in your budget to get a newer more affordable model… that sounds like a no.
But if it’s your only method of transportation because you live outside of town and need it to drive the kids to school, and your partner’s moving into the city and can likely take other modes of transportation to get to their work, then maybe that feels more like a yes to you.
Whenever possible, always try to give yourself time to think clearly about something, especially if it feels big and important to you. DO NOT fall into the trap of making a decision right there on the spot, in the middle of an emotional discussion, especially one where you just give in to their request. This will almost likely come back to haunt you in the future.
So there you have it. My four (ish) biggest pieces of advice. Get professional support, get informed, surround yourself with the right people who will support you, and let your positive end goal be your compass, as you navigate this sometimes difficult period.
Remember, you CAN get through this, and you WILL get through this. Others before you have done it, so you can too. You’ve got this.
And if you want to reach out to me, I am here for you too.
-Mel