What makes perpetually happy people so special?

Do you know someone who always seems to be in a good mood? Or worse, even when they go through something difficult, they’re unnaturally optimistic? Ever wonder what makes them so special? What makes them so different than the rest of the population?

I was watching a Ted Talk by Martin Seligman, the so-called father of positive psychology. And he said something that I found interesting. He said that happy people generally tend to be extremely social people; they’re in relationships, they have lots of friends, and they are often out and about, generally having a good time.

I found that interesting (and slightly unnerving) because I consider myself an introvert. So if I only went with this piece of information (which, by the way, he said was just a correlation and not a causation of happiness), it would mean that my instinctual nature to spend time alone must make it difficult for someone like me to be happy most of the time. Interesting indeed… and of course, I disagree.

On the other hand, I also found it interesting from a scientific perspective because it makes sense in an evolutionary way. Human beings are social creatures and no matter how far on the introvert end of the introvert/extrovert spectrum we find ourselves, a part of us will always crave human interaction.

What is happiness anyway?

This is something I’ve been musing about over the last few weeks. I mean, happiness is something we’re all supposed to be striving for, right? But what exactly does that mean for each of us? My initial thought is that happiness is subjective and relative. In other words, it’s individual. Only YOU know if you’re happy, and how happy you feel. But I wanted to dig deeper into this question a little bit more.

Between all the Abraham Hicks audios, and the various blogs on success, happiness, health, and wellbeing I’ve been reading, I feel like there’s this push to work harder at becoming happier. It’s a feverish, almost panicked effort that seems to get generated; like if you’re not happy and flourishing or “working on it”, there’s something wrong with you.

If you listen to it all, it starts to feel like happiness is this giddy, bouncy, eternally chipper attitude that you’re supposed to have. And when you first start to “work” on your own happiness, and you get there a few times, you end up finding yourself in a roller coaster of extremes between that giddy state and feeling crappy because you’re not high flying right this minute.

As I mentioned in a previous article, I really dislike feeling bad, and I experienced this roller coaster of extremes quite a bit. But what about the in-between emotions? What if you’re not high flying, but you’re also not feeling all that bad?

Isn’t just feeling good, good enough anymore?

I found myself in that state earlier this week. I woke up feeling just ok one morning. I listened to my Abraham audios on YouTube while I was getting ready for my day, and that always makes me feel better, but I couldn’t quite get to that super duper awesome feeling, you know? All I could muster up was a really good “ok” feeling.

And part of me felt disappointed!

So it got me thinking about the different types of happiness, the different levels that one can experience.

Defining Happiness

So here’s what I’ve come up with. Feeling bad for not feeling good enough is simply not acceptable.

Wait, what? Ok, let me put it in a different way.

I’ve decided to give myself permission to feel as good as I can feel in any given moment, and whatever that is, it’s good enough. 

I can be calm-happy: that calm, serene state I achieve after I’ve meditated; and it flows through my day where I don’t get any pronounced reaction to anything that happens. I’m just chill, like a cliché hippy without the drugs.

I can be cheerful: not totally bouncy-happy but generally in good spirits.

I can be inspired: that place where you get a new idea and an accompanying rush of excitement about whatever it is you just thought of.

I can feel warm love: that overflowing warm feeling I get when I look at my daughter and recognize how amazing she is.

I can feel appreciation: when someone does something kind, either for me or for someone else, and I can tell it was done without effort; it just came naturally to them. It makes me look at them with such appreciation for who they are.

And damnit, I can feel just plain good. Not great, not awesome, but also not “meh” or “blah” either. Just… good. But why can’t I say it without including a connotation about it not being good enough?

Giving yourself permission to feel good

So in our quest, to find happiness, I say ANY form of happiness is something to feel good about; even more, it should be celebrated. I know that another part of the human condition is to constantly look for things to improve upon. Some call it expansion or evolution. That’s what often leads us into a perpetual cycle of feeling like we can never just be happy with anything; like it can always be better.

But I think that the practice (and I choose that word deliberately) of finding and noticing things to appreciate and feel good about, is what makes those happy people so different than the rest of the population. Optimism, in my opinion, is not an innate quality. It takes a certain amount of deliberate effort, until it becomes second nature. It’s a habit so to speak. And this is good news.

Because if optimism, and therefore happiness in general, is a habit, then anyone who wants to be happier can do so by deliberately being optimistic about situations, and finding things that make them feel good. And then, sure you aim to be in that high flying feeling as much of the time as you possibly can, but giving yourself permission to “just” feel good, accepting that “less than high flying” is ok, makes that “not good enough” feeling slowly start to dissipate. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself being one of those happy people that others talk about. They’ll ask you “What’s your secret?” and you can just tell them that you’ve been practicing.

Thanks for reading. Until next time, keep being the awesome person I know you are. The world needs you!

Mel