I found myself incredibly frustrated and overwhelmed the other day, and on a whim, I reached out to one of the Facebook groups that I’m a member of but had been mostly just lurking on. The responses I got were varied and interesting, but one in particular reminded me of something that I already knew, but (as is often the case), had forgotten.

“Reach out to your network” this person said to me.

And then I realized, “but wait, for this particular area of my life, I don’t HAVE a network”. 

After the friend cleanse

There’s this thing that happens, when you start making massive changes in your life, where you inevitably do a lot of cleansing of the people around you that bring you down, don’t support you, or just don’t get what you’re doing, or the new approach you’re taking. And that’s a good thing. You don’t want these people in your life.

But then you may end up finding yourself, quite alone. So how do you replenish your now nearly empty well of connections?

If you’re extraverted, it might be easy for you to find other groups of people who have a common interest in what you are now focusing on. I mean the internet is fraught with local and online groups on a bazillion areas of interest. It’s just a google search away.

But for an introvert like me, finding those people and actually connecting with them is VERY difficult. On the cusp between being Gen X and a Millennial, I find it relatively easy to connect with people online. Talking to people by typing at them, instead of actually speaking to them face-to-face is easy for me. It’s safer. I don’t have to look at them in the eyes while I speak to them, picking up on their non-verbal cues.

I’m just talking to my screen and it magically responds back to me.

It’s like my brain is tricked into believing that there aren’t real people on the other side, that it’s just the computer talking back to me. It’s easy to develop a connection with my computer.

But it’s not fulfilling. There will inevitably be something missing. You can’t form a meaningful friendship or relationship strictly through online interaction; well, I can’t.

You can’t do it alone – and you shouldn’t have to

I find deep satisfaction through developing and nurturing deep meaningful connections with people. I know this because StrengthFinder told me so (and it deeply resonates). But if I’ve cleansed all the negative people, those that are no longer on the same wavelength, but this means I need to get out of my introverted shell and go FIND my new support network.

There’s a quote on my wall by Jim Rohn that says “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with” and I’ve been doing a lot of looking around myself, only to realize there aren’t really any people that I hang around with anymore. Not really.

I mean, I spend time with people. I go have coffee, or lunch, or beer with friends that I connect with every so often, but there wasn’t really anyone I actually spent a significant amount of time with. I let my internal hermit take over my life, and then looked up to realize just how alone I actually was.

And I’m usually fine with that. Except that I forgot that I will inevitably need people to lean on when I’m struggling… because struggle is inevitable. It’s a natural part of life. If we don’t struggle, we don’t grow.

Lucky for me, I’ve learned to listen to the universe when it sends me messages. As I was sitting in a waiting room for an appointment, I happened to open an e-mail from Jonathan Fields that I had set aside for “when I have time to read it”. It talked about the loneliness that so often comes with building a business (which I am working on), and how so much of the time, we think we can do it all ourselves.

No one goes through this life alone. Whether you are building a business, a relationship or a career, no one succeeds on their own. You need a team, a support network, a tribe.

I’d heard those terms before, but the piece that was missing for me, was the definition of what those specific types of people can be.

The 4 types of people you need in your life

Here I was, knowing that I needed to find someone to help me as I worked through my journey, but I thought I just needed ONE person who could fill all these roles that I had in my head. I needed someone who could be my mentor, my coach, my friend, my peer.

“What makes you think you can’t just have one person for EACH of those roles” my inner voice told me, as I read that article.

DUH!!

So here’s how Jonathan explained it:

In this life, as we go through our journey of growth (whether in business or personally), we need 4 types of people:

Teachers and mentors

They are those who can show you the way forward, guide you in the right direction, and provide counsel when you can’t see the forest for the trees.

Champions

They are our cheerleaders, our supporters, those that remind us of who we are, and what we’re striving for. They help us up when we fall and they encourage us to keep going when it gets hard, because they know what we’re capable of.

Crusaders

These are the people who will challenge us when we get too comfortable. They hold us accountable to the actions we say we’re going to take, because they understand that when we keep pushing forward, we inevitably break through and end up benefitting in a HUGE way.

Parallel playmates

Those are the people who are on the same journey that we are on, or on a similar path, and I’m not necessarily talking about people who are in the same field of interest as you, but these are the people who “get it”. They struggle along with you, and they’re doing their own thing too. These are people you can check in with, ask questions and receive validation that what you’re struggling with is completely normal. They share in your struggles and your triumphs. They support us because they’re going through it too.

The mistake that I made, was thinking that I could find all these people in the same place. I thought I could just tap into one pool of people and find everyone I needed there.

“Nuh-uh!”, the universe told me. It won’t be that easy.

Needing to find your tribe isn’t a weakness

Sometimes I wonder why I chose a life of growth. Couldn’t I just be the kind of person that’s happy with status quo? Couldn’t I just settle into a little 9-5 job and be happy?

I blame it on my mother. Damn you, mother, for teaching us to be strong women who don’t settle and always demand more out of life! (Just kidding. You know I love you for that, right Maman?) 🙂

I understand now, why it’s so important to deliberately surround yourself with the right people. I’d been hearing folks like Tony Robbins and Scott Dinsmore tell me that for a long time, but, as Abraham Hicks often says “Words don’t teach”.

Now, with this new piece of the puzzle that I received, I know what types of people I’m looking for. And now I know that I can’t just keep being a hermit and thinking I can do all this alone.

It’s not about hiring staff to help me get stuff done. It’s about surrounding myself with the people who will support me as I continue on my journey.

And it’s about it being ok for me to need these people to be in my life.

Needing a team, a network, or a tribe isn’t a show of weakness; it’s a show of strength.

How about you? Do you have a support network? What kinds of people do you surround yourself with?